Upon These Words...

I’ll Forever Be Sorry

noelleanoellea — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 19:22:58 +0000

I never thought I’d be the person that did to someone else, what has been done to me in the past…something that hurts and tears inside. I pushed away my very best friend in the world. I didn’t make time for him. I think about him all the time, and I ache for what I’ve done. It’s much easier to think of leaving the earth than to feel the hurt inside. The knife in his back is driven deep, all because of me. There are no excuses. It’s all my fault. And now, I’ll live alone forever.

Under my skin…

noelleanoellea — Wed, 05 Mar 2008 01:12:21 +0000

‘Don’t let them get under your skin.’ How did that expression come about? Something so easily said yet so terribly difficult at times to uphold. It’s happened to me of late. Of course I chanted under my breath, ‘don’t let her/them get under your skin.’ Has it worked? Maybe to a point. Tonight however, I’ve realized something important. Surely something I already knew but finally am recognizing on my own.

I’m leaving a job that in all honesty I really like doing. I enjoy most of my customers and many of my coworkers. There is one however, who has gotten ‘under my skin.’ Naturally no names will be mentioned. I will say this. She’s young and pretty and flirty with every male in our office. Suddenly I’ve found myself surrounded by her flirtatious relationships and acts of getting attention. It’s turned into ‘her world.’ It’s gotten to the point that I feel so insignificant that no matter what I do to prove my worth as an employee, it’s overshadowed by this adolescent behavior and weakness of male counterparts. I feel second best. A feeling I don’t like to feel.

I suppose the best thing out of all of this is I am leaving at the best time. I’m getting out of ‘her world’ and beginning a new chapter in my own. Getting this new job just may prove to be a step in my favor…of helping my esteem and getting me back to feeling I am number one…in my own world. In the end, that’s all that matters.

noelleanoellea — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 14:11:18 +0000

One Last Dance

Where do you go when the world stops turning
When the skies turn gray
When the birds stop singing
What do I do when my heart stops loving?
When my soul stops living
When my mind stops working
What happens when the body breaks down?
When love walks away
When the pain worsens by the minute
How can I carry on?
Without you in my life
Without your arms around my waist
Without your smile to greet me everyday
Why did this happen
The breakdown of our love
The starvation of my soul
The crookedness of your heart
Who am I?
When you’re not around
When the tears just won’t stop
When life’s trials hit so hard
Can I make it another day?
Without you to make love to
Without the music of our hearts dancing together
Without your smile to greet me
I will survive
I can move on
But it won’t be the same, never
I need you and I want you
Make love to me
Love me
Be with me
For one more day
One more dance
For the end of time

Morning of Yesterday

noelleanoellea — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 13:31:57 +0000

For some reason, I had hoped that when I woke this morning the troubles of yesterday would magically be gone. I’m actually surprised. Though I shouldn’t be. My life can be outlined in weak and dark moments. It can be measured by sleepless nights, despairing moods and aching body parts. Everything, a mess. All around me. Surrounded by things I don’t want to be a part of anymore. I’m frozen…by desperation, depression, darkness. I’m tired, so tired. I’m shivering, the cold is too much this morning. My eyes hurt, my face aches. I feel the wrath of self pity coming on and I am feeling so completely lonely.

Stupid crazy day :(

noelleanoellea — Mon, 11 Feb 2008 22:20:59 +0000

Yeah, it’s another bad day. I am trying so hard to make things better. I am trying to let the opportunities that fall into my lap blossom and maximize their full potential. Why? Why do I feel like I can’t even get that right? I guess I’m setting myself up to look like an arse when I say most people on the outside would think I’m whining and pleading for attention. I could be wrong, could be right. But aren’t we all looking for some sort of attention, especially if we’re putting ourselves out there for the world to review our inner thoughts? My head is spinning, so many thoughts, so many emotions. To make things worse, I feel incredibly lonely. Feels like someone yanked the carpet from under me then opened up the floor below, stuffed me inside and left me in the dark to wither away. Lovely thought, isn’t it? Not entirely unusual for my life.

There have been people in my life that say I need to make my own opportunities. That I need to take the steps to change my life. I am trying. Maybe I’m going too slow, or not finding the right corners to turn or going to the wrong doors and inviting myself in. I have no clue. So now the question I have is this. How in heavens am I to keep thinking positively about my future? When all I see ahead of me is bleak and cold, lonely and distant? When am I going to get a break? Yeah, I know. Suppose the thought there is we all make our own breaks. We can’t expect others to remember us, we have to leave them with an impression strong enough so they’ll never forget us. Today, I just have no confidence I can do that any more. I’m tired, my head is spinning, and if the depression doesn’t take my final breaths, the loneliness will for sure.

Lost & Lonely

noelleanoellea — Fri, 08 Feb 2008 20:54:02 +0000

My mind is all over the place today. I have a headache too. I’m happy, but I’m sad. I feel extremely lonely. Today, I see no end to that. I do not know what to do.

I can hear the cars whizzing by, the clicking of everyone’s keyboards, phones ringing from every corner of this office. It’s all just meshing together in one huge ball of noise, forcing me to feel ‘blah’ and ill. I feel so used, abused, unwanted. No way to escape it, unless I run…from here, from everything. Yet I know that’s not the answer.

I’m struggling today. Between thoughts of loneliness and uselessness. Everyone I want to be around is too far away. The one that is so close, I want to be furthest from. Same story really. Just a different kind of ink on the pages of my life.

When I cannot help to my fullest ability, I feel weak and scared and lost. That in itself compounds my already mounting need to be close…and being so far away makes me feel like I’m losing; losing strength, losing faith I will ever return to those once satisfying dreams which remain suffocating, tucked away in the folds of my mind.

noelleanoellea — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 15:39:56 +0000

Going Over

I don’t want to be alone

Yet I want all these people to leave me alone

I’m screaming

And they refuse to acknowledge me

Screaming to just leave

Don’t say a word

Unless you hear me and see me

There is no end in sight
There is only more of this insanity
Scratching at my skin
Slowly peeling away the flakes
Of my shame, my fear, my weak soul
Underneath lay the same living tissue
As you, as they
Bleeding the same crimson sin
From the day I was born
Born into what?
A life destined for misery
Alone, in the alley of darkness
The constant darkness shrouding over me

Why do they pressure me with their words?
And my words fall silent to their ears
The physical scars I bear
Never enough for them to comprehend
It is their voice echoing inside me
Bringing me to the edge
A hairs breath away from going over

I don’t want to be alone
But would all of you just leave…
I need you, him, or someone else
I need peace
With you here, I will never have it

HELL

noelleanoellea — Tue, 08 Jan 2008 00:58:29 +0000

This is where I live…hell. I know, you’re thinking maybe Hell is not a real place; it’s a figment of a insane mind; it’s a place a lot of people live. Well, if it’s a literal place you’re looking for, a place you can physically touch and see and smell…come to my house. Feel the hatred I feel being inside these walls. Smell the ugliness in the air I breathe everyday. Sense the longing for it to be over, as I do on most days. THAT is my Hell. That hell IS real to me.

I’m tired of living in hell. I’m tired of feeling so angry and feeling so much hatred towars him. It’s eating me from the inside out. It’s escalating everyday. I am taking baby steps and planning certain things to get out, but for now hell is all I have.

Loneliness digs in deeper today.

noelleanoellea — Mon, 07 Jan 2008 22:23:35 +0000

Everyday, it gets harder and harder to go home. Take anything or anyone good out of my life, it’s still suffocating me. I hate it there. I hate him. I don’t like to hate, but I don’t know how else to describe it. I have a headache, one that will surely tensify as soon as he picks me up.

That is another story….my car broke down, a week before Christmas. The cost to repair it is such a large amount I had to leave it at the shop. I was declined for a small loan to get it fixed. Now I am even more trapped than I was before. Now I have even less freedom than I did before. Now, I surely will go insane.

How much longer can I be expected to live this way? I know, it’s my choice. But I am planning out those steps as we speak. Slowly but surely, the light is trying its best to peak through the heavy black curtain hovering over my face.

I just don’t know anymore. I’m so tired and I’m so lonely. Even if I did find someone to make that go away, I don’t know if I’d believe it. How can anything that wonderful happen to me?

I’m hopeless…hopelessly lonely, hopelessly starving…lonley for a real love, starving for a different life.

Weeping Sky

noelleanoellea — Tue, 01 Jan 2008 02:41:55 +0000

Weeping Sky

Sometimes it’s hard to know
Just what I should do
When my feet touch the ground
I’m off and running
And no clue on where to go

Then one day I stopped and turned
I was standing alone, no-one was there
Suddenly the big blue sky wept
And I heard a resounding voice cry…
‘Child, listen to what I have to say’
‘It is my love that will carry you through’
‘Child, please stop running away’
‘I’m already here, I’ve been here’
‘Ready to embrace you’ I turned to walk away, shocked and amazed
Put one foot in front of the other
And I heard that gentle voice once again
He said ‘there’s one more thing you need to know’
‘Your sins have been lifted’
‘And you have been forgiven’
That’s the day I remember
When my world starts to crumbleWhen I feel I’m running low on fuel
I close my eyes and remember
The words of our good Lord
When I’m losing ground in this crazy world
Sometimes it’s hard to know just what I should do
So I put one hand high in the air, the other over my heart
I start to pray, and then I hear Him say
‘Everything, everything’s gonna be alright’

Today I’m sure of one thing
I’ll never, I’ll never
I’ll never lose faith in you